4:30am and I just finished updating my life financials.  It's looking good.  I'll be able to pay off my student debt in 2 years instead of 3.  And I'll also be able to afford a 2-bedroom apartment for the next year.  With my tax returns already in, I have a lot more money to spare than I anticipated.  Now I'm contemplating whether it really is a good idea to skimp on my 401k savings now to make up for all my current expenses and debt...  I made some legroom when I reach 100 years old, so it shouldn't hurt me too bad.  Hopefully.  Since this is an anonymous blog, I might post up my actual financial numbers later.

The next thing I'm still trying to learn is how to be less stingy.  I'm making good pay right now.  And I also decided not to go to grad school unless an employer helps pay for it.  I'm realizing that being stingy and cheap can be a turn off around others.  Ok, I'll still spend money very carefully when it's for myself, but I need to stop over-analyzing on gifts, activities out with friends, and also paying my parents back.  I need to stop counting every dollar that goes out of my pocket.  I mean, ok, I'll stop counting every dollar until the end of the month. :)

I've been feeling stressed out and unhappy lately so I decided that I should start journaling again. Since I've been gone I've been trying to get comfortable in my new job, broke up with my boyfriend, tried to get back with him (unsuccessfully) , tried working out regularly, failed at working out regularly, and started to be really concerned with my chest pain I've always ben having.

I have been so stressed out from work lately. I wake up at 8am and rush to get ready. I leave home at 8:45 to rush to work by 10am. Sometimes it takes me 40 minutes and sometimes it takes me 2 hours. I sit and stare at a computer all day and leave work at 7:15pm get home at 8pm everyday. Then I eat dinner and converse with my parents for an hour. I try to get to bed by 12 but sometimes I stay up later with feelings of insomnia. 9-12 seems like barely enough hours for me and I often find myself going to sleep without washing my face or brushing my teeth.   

I'm having a hard time finding time for myself and my friends. I guess this is usually how it goes for college graduates starting their new job. I don't even work 60-hour weeks like I hear some of my friends do. But if I don't start finding a new way to handle all this soon, I'm going to go crazy.  

More complaints: I've started to break out all over my face, chest and back. I see my cyburn hairs are growing lower on the sides of my cheek. My body aches every day, probably because I have completely stopped working out and stretching. My chest pains are getting more noticeable where it's suddenly very hard for me to breathe. I'm going to see a doctor soon about it. My parents say it's probably from eating too fast that the gas build up inside my body.     

So now about my ex. I still love him. Sort of. I broke up with him because he was acting like an unapologetic child. I've been with this boy for over a year. Never had any worries about his temper. He didn't really have a temper or any anger issues. One night we get into a petty argument about him riding in the car with a girl alone for 3 hours. I jokingly said "why don't you date her instead". He responded with a "FUCK YOU" and hung up the phone. After I picked up the phone after his 10th call he was defensive and complaining so I broke up with him. He never called me after that for the last 4 months so why did I ask for him back? I don't know, I guess I thought I made a mistake and he wasn't that bad of a guy to be with. He met my extended family and my aunt convinced me to get back with him. Oh family influences... So I tried. And what did he say? He said he would think about it. Oh and he also said he still liked me. "Liked" me. He didn't love me anymore. That hurt. I was sad. For about a day. But, well, I'm not going to be chasing after a guy who doesn't want to be with me. It's been over a week and he hasn't responded back. He asked me to be his friend in Facebook again though.. My friend said he probably did that because he feels comfortable being friendly with me again. But he probably won't want to get back with me. I like her honest opinions.      

I'm exhausted. I wanted to get a word in before the world ends tomorrow and all. Good night. 

Restraining from sharing my strong opinions to the wrong audience is something I'm learning.  Restraining to share my opinions at all recently has been eye opening.  I don't have to open my mouth all the time.  Usually, someone will say something that I agree with anyway.  And I don't have to be the obnoxious one.  I also realize that I'm able to listen and understand other sides better.  I find that once I state my opinion I'm very keen to stick with it, even when I start to think that I am wrong.  Just the fact that I stated it meant that I should stand by my word.  Everyone hates hypocrites.  But if you don't state strong opinions as much, you are less likely to be looked at like a hypocrite too.